Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
You Might Also Like
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
your honor my client chooses dare
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.