The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
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There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.