Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
You Might Also Like
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Have a lovely day 😊
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Oops I deleted….
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.