Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education