You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
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When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT