Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”