People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
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“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Brother?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
#ParentingFacts
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father