Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth