I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
You Might Also Like
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.