Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
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Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Maths meets science
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin