Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
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You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.