[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.