I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Wait a second…
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The internet is magic sometimes.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Important reminders
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.