Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD