Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?