I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Probably my best painting.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
this is uni
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.