HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
channeling her this year
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Word!
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.