For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?