Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
for all #parents out there
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Science memes
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?