My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.