Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”