[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
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Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.