What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. đ
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me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I donât know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600âs: and theyâre called dortios?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
when i donate my body to science, theyâll be like ok do we have any other options?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
i donât give a shit what you losers think iâm clapping when the plane lands
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Iâm sorry but I love this one đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
Important
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldnât read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Letâs move this along, future boy
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: âman, if you havenâtve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.â
dude 2: âyea, i was actually hoping you wouldnât respond so that i could go to bed.â
both: âwell…. shit.â
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
Itâs never âoh my god, donât go into Kevinâs efficiency apartment, thereâs a ghost in there!!!â
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, Iâm going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: Iâm right here you know
Why is it called âfixing a flatâ and not âretirement?â
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Donât think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.