Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.