My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I would like even faster food.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Who says great literature is dead?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”