(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Ah yes. The three genders
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.