Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
You Might Also Like
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
found this cool rock hiking today
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
being a writer on Twitter:
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”