I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
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GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips