a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
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My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
If I ignore life will it go away?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?