Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*