I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
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I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Flock of bats
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.