This could’ve been an email.
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Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad