Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
My blood type is b hungry.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Chicago sounds lovely.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough