No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.