My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Spell check is for lasers.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend