This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
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mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Perfect
How do you like your Corgi?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
True?
Oh yeah that’s it
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Planet of the Apps.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters