My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
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[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats