I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.