Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
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4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
i was baptized in a car wash
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on