I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
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I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
m’lady
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
God, I love Scotland