I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
no!! no!!!!!!
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Okay me first
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her