I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
You Might Also Like
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
this could fix me
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty