My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
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Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?