Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.