Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
You Might Also Like
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.