Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
You Might Also Like
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.