As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
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Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.