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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
goldfish mafia
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.