Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
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me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too