*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*